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PONDERISMS * I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. * Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. * The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. * Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. * There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. * Life is sexually transmitted. * Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. * The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. * Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. * All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. * In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. * How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? * Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" * Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt." * Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? * If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? * If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? * If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? AMEN * Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? * Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? * Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? |
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