CONFESSIONS OVERHEARD
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Box Donation

 A  married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his  priest,
 "I almost had an affair with another woman."

 The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

 The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed  together, but
 then I stopped."

 The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it  in.
 You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say  five Hail
 Mary's and put $50 in the poor  box."

 The Irishman left the confessional,  said his prayers, and then  walked
 over to the poor  box.

 He paused for a moment and then started  to leave.

 The priest, who was watching,  quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw
 that. You didn't put  any money in the poor box!"

 The Irishman  replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
  according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Lemon Squeeze

 There once was  a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
 entering  the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have
  sinned."

 The priest said, "Confess your sins  and be forgiven."

 The young woman said, "Last  night my boyfriend made mad, passionate
 love to me seven  times."

 The priest thought long and hard and  then said, "Squeeze seven  lemons
 into a glass and then drink  the juice."

 The young woman asked, "Will this  cleanse me of my sins?"

 The priest said, "No,  but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Looks of Disappointment

 A  man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife
 was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said,  "You're
 beautiful." Then he fell asleep  again.

 His wife had never heard him say that  before, so she stayed by his
 side. A few minutes later his  eyes fluttered open and he said,
"You're
  cute."

 The wife was disappointed because  instead of "beautiful," it was now
 "cute."

 She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"

 The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Catholic Dog

 Muldoon lived  alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
  company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest
 and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a  mass for
 the poor creature?"

  Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for
 an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the  lane,
 and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll  do something
 for the creature."

 Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000  is
 enough to donate to them for the service?"

 Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why  didn't  ya
 tell me the dog was Catholic?

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Donation

 Father O'Malley  answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

 "It is!"

 "This is the IRS.  Can you help us?"

 "I can!"

 "Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

 "I do!"

 "Is he a member of  your congregation?"

 "He is!"

 "Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

 "He will."

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Confession

 An elderly man  walks into a confessional. The following conversation
  ensues:

 Man: "I am 92 years old, have a  wonderful wife of 70 years, many
 children, grandchildren, and  great grandchildren. Yesterday, I  picked
 up two college  girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had
sex
 with  each of them three times."

 Priest: "Are you  sorry for your sins?"

 Man: "What  sins?"

 Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are  you?"

 Man: "I'm Jewish."

 Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

 Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling  everybody!"

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Brothel Trip

 An elderly man  goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like
a
 young  girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man  and
 asks how old he is.

 "I'm 90  years old," he says.

 "90!" replies the woman.  "Don't you realize you've had it?"

 "Oh,  sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Senility

 An elderly man went  to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm  getting
 senile.  Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."

 "That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when  you
 forget to zip down."

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Pest Control

 A woman was  having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
  pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the
 bedroom together when her husband arrived home  unexpectedly.

 "Quick," said the woman to the  lover,"into the closet!" and she
pushed
 him in the closet,  stark naked.

 The husband, however, became  suspicious and after a search of the
 bedroom discovered the  man in the closet.

 "Who are you?" he asked  him.

 "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,"  said the exterminator.

 "What are you doing in  there?" the husband asked.

 "I'm investigating  a complaint about an infestation of moths," the
man
  replied.

 "And where are your clothes?" asked  the husband.

 The man looked down at himself  and said, "Those little bastards!"
 
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