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| ADULT HUMOR THERE IS ALWAYS A GOOD SIDE Everything depends on the way you look at things. View every problem you encounter as an opportunity. There is always a good side to every situation. The optimist sees an opportunity in every misfortune. The pessimist sees misfortune in every opportunity. The optimist sees the doughnut. The pessimist sees the hole. You can develop success from every failure. iscouragement and failure are two stepping stones to your success. No other elements can do so much for you if you're willing to study them and make them work for you. When it is dark enough, you can see the stars.. Today's Limerick There once was a man named Hyatt, Who's sexual habits were a riot, From horses to hens, To mices and mens, If it had a hole, he would try it. A Blondes Year in Review January Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!! March Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said "2-4 years!" April Trapped on escalator for hours ..... power went out!!! May Tried to make Jelly.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! June Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope. July Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! August Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open. September The capital of California is "C".....isn't it??? October Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel. November Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!! December Couldn't call 911 ..... "duh".....there's no "eleven" Button on the stupid phone!!! ----------------------- There is hope if people will begin to awaken that spiritual part of themselves, that heartfelt knowledge that we are caretakers of this planet. --------------------------- A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London . After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, 'Id rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips. The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, Me too. I didn't know we had a choice. ---------------------- Ralph J. Roberts, the 87 year old founder of Comcast will continue to be paid five years after his death according to has latest contract. Paying someone after death is not new in broadcasting. Larry King has been doing it for years. (Jim Barach) ------------------------ A priest gets a flat tire fixed. As the car's coming down on the lift, the priest asks the mechanic, "Are the lug nuts tight ?" The mechanic says, "Tight as a nun's pussy." The priest frowns and says, "You better give them another turn then." A professor was taking in the scene at a popular L.A. nightspot when a mini-skirted Valley Girl sashayed over to him and said, "Like, I want you to totally screw my brains out." "Sorry," he replied, "I'm not into quickies." -------------------- Adversity introduces a man to himself. -Anonymous ------------------------ --------------------------- Hollywood movie producer Jon Peters was served Friday with two sex- harassment lawsuits. One plaintiff is his office maid and the other plaintiff is his housemaid in Malibu. Under Hollywood law he could be convicted because he didn't kill them. (Argus Hamilton) ----------------------------- Moanin' Mike is sitting in his local bar with his buddies, sharing a beer and bragging about his sex life. Moanin' says, I have great sex with my wife. She's very vocal, she can really rattle the windows, and *most* of it really turns me on. I love it when she screams, 'Harder!' I love it when she screams, 'Faster!' "Man, you lucky dog! Says his one buddy. But *come on* and tell the truth, isn't there sometimes a problem with your sex life?" "The only problem I have..." Moanin' said dejectedly, "Is when she screams,....'Deeper!'" ------------------------- Think for yourself and let others enjoy the privilege of doing so too.-Voltaire ------------------------- What gets longer when pulled, fits between your boobs, inserts neatly in a hole & works best when jerked? A Seatbelt you pervert! Now Buckle Up! And Just what were you thinking of? "Got Cha!" ----------------------------- Connecticut will begin offering online courses to high school students. Now teens can sleep in and learn whenever they want to. There shouldn’t be too much of an adjustment period. (Alan Ray) --------------------------------- Once there was a prostitute who had three different rates based on the following three conditions: 1) $100.00 to do it on the grass. 2) $200.00 to do it on a couch. 3) $300.00 to do it in the bed. In the morning a British bloke walks in and slaps a $100 note on the table. So they went out and did it on the grass. Soon, an American fellow walks in and slaps a $200 note on the table. So they head for the couch and did it there. About the end on the day, a Jamaican man walks in and slaps $300 on the table. Happy from seeing the money the prostitute says, "Wow,...you have class" The Jamaican responds, "Class mi rass... Three times upon the grass." ---------------------- Living well and beautifully and justly are all one thing. -Socrates ---------------------- Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?" Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?" --------------------- In Connecticut: An elementary school has banned soccer, kickball and tag at recess because the games are, quote, "too competitive and can lead to self esteem issues." I'm pretty sure if I was still in school I wouldn't be allowed to play my favorite game at recess: Hang a Second Grader By His Ankles From The Roof Until He Screams For His Mommy. (Toms Lake Humor Company) ---------------------- ------------------------------ Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.-Unknown --------------------------- Hoss, the duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor. "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be ok, the damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buck shot." "The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother." "Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the man replied. "Is your brother a plastic surgeon?" "Not exactly." answered the docto r. "He's a flute player in the local symphony....He's going to teach you w here t o put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye." ---------------------- Newly declassified documents have revealed a 1950 plan by J. Edgar Hoover to suspend the writ of habeas corpus and imprison 12,000 Americans whom he suspected of disloyalty "to protect the country against treason, espionage and sabotage." Worse, Eddie also wanted to seize, without a court-approved warrant, the lace underwear of their wives. (Bob Mills) ---------------------- Return to DearMissMermaid.com |
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